Thursday, September 25, 2008

So, it has been almost two weeks since I have posted, and I have oddly missed it. I have been wanting to write something for a while now, but haven't quite known what to say. I know my blog has been like so many others, light and fluffy, full of "this is what we did today," but I feel I need to say something, if only for me, and to record what happened to my little family. As I previously posted, we have been expecting baby #2. I went in to get an ultrasound on September 15, 2008, when I was 9 weeks, 6 days, pregnant. The baby was measuring small with the traditional sonogram, so the tech decided to go in the other way. After several tense seconds, she said, "I am sorry, there is no heartbeat." I was stunned, but not surprised. I had been feeling for several weeks...something. I don't know what. I was having a hard time connecting with the fact that I was pregnant for some reason. I was excited, we told lots of people, we were planning how to pay for the delivery, we talked about names, but there was something nagging me. I kept thinking something was wrong. But, of course, I felt that way with Lily, and she turned out perfect. If this baby had been healthy, I am sure I would have forgotten all about these feelings, but this is one of those "looking back" situations. Or maybe I am just looking for things to answer the question, "How did I not know?" How did I not know my baby had stopped growing 3 weeks before I knew? What did I do wrong? What is wrong with us? What will it take? How old will Lily be? How old will I be?

About 18 months ago, Matt and I decided it was time to have another kid. With Lily, it was so easy. The second month we tried, I got pregnant. Things were great, she was healthy, we had a little scare early in the pregnancy, when they thought she was too small, but we had an ultrasound and everything was fine. After she was born, it was a while before we even wanted to think of another one. We have always wanted several kids, but it was so easy, we didn't feel a need to rush it. I guess it is true what they say about the best laid plans, that somehow they
seem to go awry.

Towards the end of September of 2007, I started to have some weird bleeding over a weekend.I called the on-call doctor, and she told me I should take a pregnancy test, and if it was positive, to call my regular doctor on Monday. Well, to my surprise, it was positive, but after several days of worry, hope, and tests, it was determined that I was no longer pregnant.

Fast-forward 10 months later, to August of 2008, when I was at my sister's house in Colorado. She had just had a baby, so Lily and I went to visit, and while I was there, I took a pregnancy test. It was finally positive! We were so excited, but you have seen how that has turned out.

This past Monday, the 22nd, I got a D and C. I am no longer pregnant. The strangest part to me is that if I hadn't gotten the ultrasound, I would still think that I am pregnant. I had no bleeding, slight cramps (which I had with Lily), no real reason to be alarmed, other than my vague worries.

Yes, so, for those of you who are counting, this means we have had two miscarriages in a row. My sister, Mandy, said I should look at it as we are now 1 for 3. I am infinitely grateful for the one, my beautiful Lily, without who I would possibly be completely and utterly distraught, but the fact of the matter is, we want another baby, and I am devastated. We are looking into our options right now, but as we have "only" had two miscarriages, the doctor won't do a lot of testing. I am possibly looking at being part of a research study. I go in for the initial interview next week, and I am crossing my fingers.

My mom came up for a few days, my aunt has taken off work, we have had many calls, visits, and well-wishes, and I thank you all for that.

We continue on.


Rachelle said...

Ally, I wish there was something I could say or do. I am so sorry that you and your family are going through this. I will be thinking of you guys. Please keep us updated if the doctors give you any insight. Love ya!

Jill said...

I'm so sorry Ally.

Danny and Tarin Wariner said...

What is the research you are trying to do. It's funny how things happen when they do, but I just got a letter in the mail from my OB last week talking about a program called EAGER. Is that the same one? I thought of you as soon as I read it. It's the baby asprin study that grandma was talking about.